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Fiona, still distraught over the break up with sunny-jim Alan
me-lad, confides in Jim McDonald and has a few tears on his (rather
broad and welcoming) shoulder. Jim calls at the salon to see Fiona
as he knows she's still upset about Alan, and before you know
it, they're playing tonsil hockey, so they are. Fortunately for
all concerned, we're spared the intimate details but the question
on my lips is "Did Jim give Fiona the Ulster fry?".
I think we should be told. Afterwards, Fiona is trying her best
to ignore Jim and goes in search of Alan to beg him to come back
to her, but he's not interested. Jim tells Fiona he can't stop
thinking about her, he thinks he's fallen in love with her and
while he's pouring out his lovelorn ramblings in Fiona's flat,
in walks Alan and Fiona is all over him like a rash. Jim leaves,
all miserable and feeling foolish and while I felt sorry for him,
husband Steve (him indoors) commented "Jimbo, 'tis better
to have bonked and lost than never to have bonked at all, so it
is". That's when I threw the dog at him.
Meanwhile, Kevin and the old lothario Ken Barlow are having
a heart to heart over a plastic cup of whisky outside the garage.
Kev is desolate, he doesn't know what to do with his life. Ken
(who we all know, has plenty of experience with the opposite sex)
gave Kevin some sage advice, asking "If it wasn't for the
children, who would you choose, Sally or Natalie?" to which
Kevin replied "Oh, that's below the belt Ken". Yes Kevin,
it is below the belt. Below the belt is where it's always been
and if you'd kept your belt tightened enough to keep your trousers
up, you wouldn't be in the mess you're in now. Sally tells Bill
she's going to make amends with Kevin, try to give their marriage
another go. She walks over to the garage, but when Kevin sees
his wife, he bends down over Natalie and snogs her neck, needless
to say Sally runs out in tears, straight to Gail in the cafe for
some tea and sympathy. Sigh, will it never end?
It's all quiet, too quiet on the Battersby front, the neighbours
don't know whether to start rejoicing that they've gone forever.
Just when it seems they may have moved out on the quiet, the clan
arrive back on the Street after a day out in Sheffield. Just as
noisy as ever, they're still upsetting everyone, including Curly
who by this time is really manic and has turned into a cross between
John Cleese and Jack Nicholson (in a scene from The Shining).
Sam manages to get the music turned down when she gets all tarted
up and seductively persuades Les to turn the music down. Of course,
Les now thinks Samantha is after him and turns the music up even
louder when Janice goes to the bingo in an attempt to get Samantha
to call round and complain again. She does, just as Janice arrives
back from bingo and wonders what husband Les is up to.
In the cafe, Roy has saved up enough vouchers for his Paris
trip and Gail is a little apprehensive that he might ask her to
accompany him there as the trip is for two people. But, Roy surprises
her by giving Gail the vouchers, suggesting that she and Martin
make use of the Paris trip instead of himself. Roy eventually
gets the money back he's owed from the Battersby's after offering
a job to one of the girls (is it Leanne or Toyah? These two are
interchangeable grown up versions of Sophie and Rosie, only a
bit louder and not as nicely dressed) while Gail is in Paris.
Zoe is back on the street and living with Gary and Judy and
Gary isn't happy when he finds out she's back. To cut a very long
story very short, Zoe has offered the Mallets her baby when it's
born in 7 weeks time, on the understanding that the Mallets will
pay Zoe £2,000 for the baby. Judy is all for this idea but
it takes a long time for Gary to warm to the idea, but he does
so in the end.
Steve McDonald gets the divorce papers from Vicky, with a settlement
of £15,000 so he's looking pretty pleased with himself.
Andy McDonald, after 3 long years of studying for his degree,
has decided to travel Europe and even has his tickets to prove
he's going.
Audrey causes a stink in Firman's when she complains about
her diarroheah, blaming the scampi dimpers which she bought at
the store. The scampi dippers are the "special offer"
that the posters of Alma have been advertising in the store this
last week, and Alma has just about had enough of being the face
of Firmans after Audrey's outburst in front of the other shoppers.
She leaves her till, pulls down a poster of herself and walks
off with a lifesize model of herself too. Looks like it's back
to sitting in the flat drinking whisky all day then Alma.
And that's about that for this week. The Battersbys still haven't
endeared themselves to me. I still can't understand why they're
in the show at all. They're not big, they're not clever and I
want them to leave.
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