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As is my wont when there’s been a huge story, I’ll jump right in and tell you all about it. As Bev and Fred’s wedding day draws near, Fred’s torn in his feelings towards Audrey and Bev. He should have flipped a coin instead of getting worked up. Fred heads off to the salon where Audrey gives him a, well, I’m not sure although it involved running a razor over his head but the Trades Description Act would sue me if I called it a haircut. She also gives him a pre-wedding manicure and as she rubs lotion into his fat butcher fingers, Fred comes over all unnecessary-like and has a bit of a to-do.
Back at the House of Elliot, Claire’s home from th’ospickle, having been turned into Brie from Desperate Housewives, medicated up to the eyeballs, fresh from group therapy with men in bad pyjamas. Then it’s over to the Rovers for the joint stag and hen (shag?) do where Fred’s fairly uncomfy when Audrey turns up but keeps face and does his best by Bev. He makes a speech to all gathered and gives special thanks to the ladies in his life who have turned him down in the past, glancing at Audrey as he says this. Unable to handle the pressure any more, Fred heads out the back and has a fag on a beer crate before confiding all to Ashley who tells him he’s mad. “Audrey’s no good for yer” he tells his dad. “She’s a tease”. And it’s true, I’ve felt little sympathy for her because her actions have been that of a desperate old dear.
On the day of the wedding, everyone’s in best frocks, fiddly hats and new hair-dos. Bev’s in a confection of froth and Frankie’s got a dead blackbird on her head. Audrey’s in a right old two and eight and cries off from doing Bev’s bridal hair-do and then calls to tell Ashley she’s not coming to the wedding because she’s not feeling well. It’s a lie of course, she just can’t face the wedding and goes home to mope in her chair. At the church the Corrie congregation are waiting patiently at first, then a bit less so, and then the gossip starts when there’s no sight of the bride and groom. Ashley and Dev wait outside wondering what’s going on as Bev’s driven up and down the streets and round the bend by the driver of an old wedding car that’s got a real horn that goes pharp.
Fred’s taken Dev’s car keys and sped off to see Audrey and the two of them have a little chat. He tells Audrey he hasn’t come to tell her what she wants to hear, but that he loves Bev and he’s going to marry her. As he takes his leave he tells her: “Be happy. I say, be happy”. And as he heads to the front door there’s a crash, a bang and a very deep moan. Burly butcher Fred has fallen to his death on Audrey’s Welcome Mat laid out by her front door. Somewhat fitting, but sad nonetheless and I was in bits by this point. Even Sue Nicholls who plays Audrey was being overcome by emotion as her real, posh accent kept slipping out more than usual as it so often does when she plays a scene with real feeling instead of acted emotion. I guess it’s not just Fred Eliot the cast and Corrie fans will miss, it’s John Savident too. Anyway, Audrey calls the police who drive to the church to tell Ashley who tells Bev in the vestry (I love that word). He then has to break the news to a stunned silence of those gathered in church. As the news sinks in, Bev wants to know, needs to know, who found Fred and how he died. When Audrey appears and says Fred was with her when he fell to his death, well, believe me when I say that Bev was not best pleased.
Elsewhere on the Street this week, David tells Gail he’s not returning to school, not ever, never. “I’m a refuser, I do what it says on the tin”. What tin? The Golden Syrup tin? Thick and dense and gloopy? By way of punishment, Gail confiscates the TV he keeps in his bedroom and his Playstation too which kind of winds him up a little so he sneaks up the ginnel to eat chips.
The Websters plan their Paris holiday and Sophie starts learning useful French phrases like “frightful weather” and “dangerous bends”. Well, you can’t be too prepared, I suppose. Rosie and Craig plan to stay home and Rita’s all for looking after vegetarian Rosie: “Do you eat fish?”. I was waiting for her to offer her some wafer thin ham. It happens. I have to refuse it often and I’ve been a vegetarian for over 20 years. But then Craig hits on a plan. It’s reckless and daft but hey, they’re young, they’ve got a lot to learn and good luck to them both I say as they plan to head off to Paris with Sally and Kev then do a runner to Berlin together, forever, or at least until their money runs out. Ich bin ein Berliner, eh chuck?
There was more references to far away lands this week, not just Paris, oh no.
Reference 1: Norris starts practicing his Hungarian for his trip to Budapest with Rita. He thinks he can get one over on Betty in the bar by ordering his beer in foreign tongues but Betty’s been around the block once or twice in her time and there’s not much that can throw her. She replies to him in Hungarian which wipes the smirk off Norris’ face. “It’s amazing what we picked up in the war” says Betty. “Yes, I can imagine” says Norris.
Reference 2: Cilla and Yana returned from Ayia Napa all tanned up like Easyjet girls (they’re bright orange and will go anywhere for £25). Les isn’t best pleased to have his missus back and won’t forgive her for going off overseas with her mate instead of him.
And that’s just about that for this week.
Glenda
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