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This week's update written by CP Turner as Glenda was away.
Of course, I didn't recognise her at first. Wrapped in a mildew-encrusted
duvet, with a mangy dog on a string and unsold copies of the 'Big
Issue' at her side, she cut a forlorn figure on that rainswept
Durham pavement. The cap at her feet held no more than five pence
and a couple of pesetas, and so, being the kind of guy who is
always ready to bend over backwards to accommodate his fellow
man, I dug deep and tossed her a ten pence piece. (Homeless people
always bring out the philanthropist in me. In fact, I only ever
go out with homeless people, because wherever you drop them off
after a date, they're home!) Anyway, as it turned out, it was
she who recognised me! As I turned to leave, her strained, world-weary
voice exclaimed: "I know you! You're CP! You used to write
updates! You used to be big!!" "Lady," I said,
taking a deep breath, "I *am* big: it's the updates that
got small." Only then did I recognise her. "Glenda?
Glenda, love, is it you?" I blinked back a tear of compassion.
"How on earth has it come to this?"
Naturally, I couldn't hang around to hear the whole pathetic
story - I had an important coffee date to attend, and besides,
the prospect of catching lice, impetigo and a bad accent was a
daunting one - but it transpired that she'd been 'on the street'
for several weeks now.
"Duggie Ferguson doubled the rent on my flat," she
moaned, "and even though Toyah tried to help me, in the end
I was thrown out. Now I live on a diet of stale buns from Dev's
shop, and wear hand-me-downs supplied by Emily Bishop. Will you
help me, CP? Will you write this week's update for me? That little
bugger David Platt stole my computer, and if I don't get the update
written, Jez Quigley will kill me! Don't let Jez get me, CP, please
don't let him get me!" I recoiled, horrified. "But Glenda,"
I began, "don't you know that Jez is dead? Don't you know
that Jim..." And then it hit me. I suddenly realised that
I was becoming exactly like Glenda. She'd written so many weekly
updates that she actually believed Coronation Street was real,
and her delusional state was now having an effect on me too. I
couldn't tread that path again. After all, inability to distinguish
fact from fiction was the very reason I 'retired' from update
writing in the first place. During my six months as updater back
in 1998, I actually came to believe that I *was* Natalie Barnes!
And it was the most traumatic six months of my life. (Shagging
anything in trousers wasn't a problem, but wearing short sleeves
in all weathers was sheer hell!)
Anyway, to cut a long and very convoluted story short, I agreed
to stand in for Glenda and write this week's update. She won't
be able to read it, of course, because she's currently holed up
in a clinic in Hartlepool, being weaned off her addiction to Toilet
Duck. Oh well, at least she's got a roof over her head. And Jez
Quigley won't be able to get to her there. Or so she thinks...
Wednesday 22 November
Vera still can't believe that Jack has come into so much money.
(I'll resist the obvious 'soggy banknotes' gag). This time, she
asserts, they are going to spend the money wisely rather than
blow it all recklessly. And there is no lack of advice from other
denizens of the Street on how she should protect her windfall.
Roy suggests a 60-day savings account, while Les warns her of
the danger of scroungers. (Which is a bit like Herod advising
a new mother on creche facilities). However, thoughts of investment
accounts and pension plans are put aside momentarily as the photographer
arrives to take a snap of the happy Duckworths as they receive
the cheque.
At the Rovers, Geena is putting up posters for the forthcoming
"Mr & Mrs Competition", her latest idea to inject
a little excitement into place. As soon as Maxime spots it, she
is determined to enter - and to win. To this end, she gives a
bemused Ashley a long list of 'facts' about her that he will need
to memorise. Such as the 'fact', for example, that her favourite
food is Thai mussels, or that her holiday destination of preference
is Iceland. (The island, not the frozen food store, although with
Maxime the latter is more likely). Ashley doesn't see why Maxime
has to pretend to be something she's not, but for someone as desperate
as Maxime is to claw her way up the social ladder, pretentiousness
is a sine qua non. Pretentiousness is not the name of the game
with Vera, however, who says that she and Jack will enter the
competition so long as there are no questions on their 'bedroom
activities' and the like. "We're no good at ancient history!"
she quips.
Talking of aspirations, Gail is getting ready for her interview
at the new health centre, and asks SarahLou what she should wear.
Sarah advises her to go for the black, given that Gail's customary
sackcloth and ashes are still in the wash. Sarah has her own plans
- namely for a night out 'with Candice'. (For 'Candice', read
'Glen'). The interview goes well, and Gail is cautiously optimistic
about her prospects. (Gail's being cautiously optimistic about
anything is a revelation, given the fact that on a normal day,
she makes the Grim Reaper look like Coco the Clown).
At the Rovers, Rita tells Emily about George's threat to withdraw
his funding of Isobel's hospice fees if Anthony doesn't stop seeing
Rita. Emily doesn't understand why George could have taken umbrage.
After all, aren't Anthony and Rita 'just good friends'? Rita disabuses
Emily of this idea, and reveals that she and Anthony have indeed
been making 'the beast with two backs'. This confession upsets
Emily, not least because she herself hasn't had sex since January
1978, and has probably healed up. Rita says that she kept schtumm
about the affair in order to avoid the Street gossips. "Do
you see me as a gossip?" asks Emily, piqued. Rita is lost
for words. Emily leaves to go home, with a steamy night of embroidery
and the shipping forecast to look forward to.
At the 'Big House', Jim is telling Liz that while he has been
given permission to get married, he won't be able to leave prison
before the hearing. Liz - who still looks every inch the cheap
provincial tart says that they can get married right there in
prison, and immediately too! Jim agrees. Liz later tells Drear
that although the wedding is to take place behind bars, she still
wants Drear to be her 'maid of honour'. Steve is still not too
happy with the prospect of his parents' remarrying. (And I agree
wholeheartedly. In Liz and Jim's case, remarrying will be like
two car crash victims asking to be shoved back into the smouldering
ruin of their Ford Capri.)
For their first date, SarahLou and Glen go bowling. Glen, who
is far too cute for his own good, seems rather adept at knocking
down the skittles, while Sarah doesn't have as much luck. Glen
takes her in hand and shows her how to hold the ball properly.
(Yes, I know what you're thinking: if SarahLou had known how to
handle balls properly eighteen months ago, she wouldn't have brought
such shame and scandal on Gail, and Bethany would have remained
in the sac, so to speak). While Glen is off buying drinks, Sarah's
school teacher (Charlie) and her husband Matt (Dr Ramsden, the
new hunky physician) come over to say hello. The teacher - a frosty
piece and a graduate, no doubt, of the Eva Braun charm school
- asks a mortified SarahLou who is looking after Bethany. SarahLou,
sensing Glen's immediate return, changes the subject promptly,
desperate not to reveal Bethany's existence to Glen.
Roy and Hayley have finished their adoption/fostering course
and must now subject themselves to home visits from social workers,
a prospect that Roy doesn't relish. (Can you imagine the conclusion
of the social worker? "Well, what have we here? A social
misfit with a personality disorder and obvious obsessive-compulsive
tendencies, teamed up with what is, for all intents and purposes,
a man in a frock. Congratulations, you'll make perfect parents!")
In the Street, Les watches as Dennis and Eileen come on Dennis's
new bike. (Behave!) Les jealously dismisses the new acquisition
as an obvious drain on Dennis's finances, but Dennis cares not
a fig. Eileen later tells Janice that she's getting along famously
with her new beau, although they have nowhere they can be alone.
Dennis won't ask Eileen back for fear of the Battersbys, and Eileen
won't take Dennis home until she's okayed it with her sons. In
the meantime he will have to make do with the kind of tonsilectomy
she performs on him at the dark end of the Street, towards the
end of the episode. As she takes her leave, she bumps into Sarah,
who has been performing similar mouth operations on the lovely
Glen just around the corner.
And finally, Rita tells Anthony yet again that they should
not see each other any more. (I only hope that she has thought
this through properly. After all, she has so much to lose: her
reconstructed hairdo (which is no longer big enough to hide the
whole cast of War and Peace); her reawakened sex-life; her new
accent, to name but three).
Friday 24th November
The episode opens in Roy's Rolls, where Vera is busy looking
though holiday brochures. (Obviously her plans to invest wisely
have flown out of the window, as has her inclination to do any
work). Eileen and Janice are there too, with Janice pumping Eileen
for all the latest gossip on Eileen's romance with Dennis. Eileen
says that everything is fine, except for the fact that they have
nowhere they can be alone. Janice promises to try to arrange something
at her place. She will get rid of Les and give the courting couple
ample opportunity to be alone.
At the Kabin-cum-postoffice-cum-Tardis, Anthony arrives to
speak to Rita, only to be told that The Flame Haired One has gone
down with a bad cold. Anthony goes up to see her nevertheless,
and tries one more time to win her over. But to no avail. Rita,
who in her youth would have given Elsie Tanner a run for her money
in the 'Who's the Street bike?' stakes, has in her old age discovered
the luxury of principles, and she's sticking to them.
Also at the Café (do these people not have homes to
go to and kitchens to cook in??), Maxime is testing Ashley on
dummy questions for the forthcoming Mr & Mrs Competition,
with no success whatsoever. Over on another table, SarahLou is
telling Candice all about her bowling date with the luscious young
Glen, although she stops short of telling her the old "What's
the difference between a bowling ball and Joan Collins" joke.***
It looks as though SarahLou is smitten, although she is terrified
in case Glen learns about Bethany.
At Freshco's, Ashley has asked Boris to pretend to be Maxime
so that he can try out the questions on him. "What's the
last thing I take off at night before I go to bed?" asks
Boris. "Your knickers?" offers Ashley. "No,"
says Boris. "Your bra?" tries Ashley. "No!"
exclaims Boris, "my make-up!" And guess who is within
earshot of this little exchange? Yes, Blanche - who immediately
thinks that Ashley is now 'dancing at the other end of the ballroom'.
Later, Blanche catches Ashley and Boris 'at it' again in the Rovers,
with Boris this time admitting that "I like pretending I'm
Maxime for you!" Blanche also enters Ken and Deirdre for
the competition, totally unbeknownst to them of course.
At the 'Big House', Jim finally talks Steve round to the idea
of his impending marriage to Liz, and Steve grudgingly agrees
to be his father's best man. Liz is overjoyed at the news.
At the Rovers, Anthony meets Emily, who tells him that now
she can see how deeply he feels for Rita, she feels she might
have been a little hasty in her appraisal of their relationship.
She encourages him to try once more to win back Rita's affections
and trust. This he does, and the pair are reconciled once more.
Having ummed and aahed over what to do with their windfall,
Jack and Vera decide to put at least some of it to good use by
giving £1000 to the son they never had, young Tyrone. Tyrone
greets their largesse like a dog with two dicks, saying that he's
never had that much money before in his life. Jack and Vera tell
him that he is to save it for his wedding to the lovely Maria.
Eileen takes up Janice's offer and goes round to spend the evening
at the Battersbys. Les, however, has no intention of going out
for the night, for he is ensconced in a game of cards with Dennis.
Eileen, a little crestfallen, soon hits on a plan. She suggests
a game of strip poker, and Les, who thinks he is tops at absolutely
everything, and thus a dead cert to get the two ladies down to
their undergarments within minutes, agrees to a few hands. Naturally,
things do not go according to plan, for it turns out that Eileen
is a natural card player, and within minutes it is Les who is
sitting their in his undies. (Hats off once more to the wonderful
Sue Cleaver, who in Eileen has created one of the most naturalistic
female characters ever to grace the cobbles. And brickbats to
Bruce Jones, who is still as pathetic as ever, and who surely
has a huge actor-shaped hole where his thespian talent should
be). Fortunately for the viewing public, Janice directs the too-undressed-for-comfort
Les upstairs to bed, leaving Eileen and Dennis alone. Eileen says
that it is far too late to go home now, which is obviously a cue
for imminent sub-duvet activity. Hand in hand, Dennis and Eileen
repair to his bedchamber...
*** You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Sunday 26 November
Dennis and Eileen's night of passion clearly went with a bang
(or three, given that they'd both been celibate for aeons), although
Dennis is embarrassed to reveal to the Battersbys that Eileen
has spent the night. Les and Janice don't really have a problem
with it, although Les - ever the schemer - says that he should
charge the courting couple for 'wear and tear'. Eileen tells him
that in return for allowing her and Dennis to use Les's facilities,
she will give him all the knowledge he needs to make it as a taxi
driver.
Liz is having a retail therapy crisis. Having spent an age
filling out forms for her forthcoming nuptials, she is now in
trauma over what to wear. Blanche advises that anything will do
so long as it doesn't have arrows on it. (Personally, I suggest
one of those lovely white jackets. You know, the ones with arms
that tie at the back.)
Les's warnings about scroungers and gold-diggers is starting
to have resonance, for Vera has already been contacted by an 'old
friend' with a hard-luck story. Tyrone warns her not to be taken
in, citing the many times that his own mother has resorted to
such scams.
At the Rovers, Les - what did I say about scams? - is pressing
Toyah to reveal the questions for the Mr & Mrs Competition,
but Toyah is having none of it. (On another note, could it be
because Toyah is having none of 'it' that she looks so dour these
days? Come on, scriptwriters, give Toyah a man! Otherwise we'll
have another Edna in the making. Now don't get me wrong: I adore
Edna, but having two of them around the place would be over-egging
the pudding somewhat). Les tells Ashley and Maxime that he and
Janice are bound to win the competition, given the amount of time
that they've been married. Blanche pipes up that if anyone is
going to win, it's Deirdre and Ken - oblivious to the fact that
they're not married and are thus technically ineligible.
Anthony tells Rita that he has come up with a solution: he
will sell his house and support Isobel from the proceedings. His
children, he claims support the initiative, and Amanda - the bitch
daughter from hell - has even suggested that he move in with her.
Rita smells an obvious rat: if Anthony moved in with Amanda, Rita
would never be able to visit Anthony. Anthony reassures The Flame
Haired One that, come hell or high water, he will not allow Amanda
to jeopardise his and Rita's relationship. (Isn't this guy something
else? Obviously the last of a dying breed. Thoughtful, considerate,
compassionate. Clearly hot stuff in the sack, too: with hands
that flail around maniacally like his, how could he not be? And
such a gent! Why can't I find someone of his calibre and breeding?
Why can't I find someone who doesn't' think that 'foreplay' simply
means taking his boots off? And wouldn't it be a novelty to hear
the dulcet tones of someone declaiming, "One is arriving,
one is arriving", instead of the hurried gasping and panting
of someone who is clearly more concerned with whether he'll be
late for the school bus?)
Other happenings in this episode: (Can't you just tell that
I'm rushing to get it finished? Well, apparently, Glenda is out
of rehab and gunning for me, wondering where the update is, so
I'm having to do this at breakneck speed.)?
Audrey, who recently fell on the cobbles, says that she will
be the last person ever to do so. Her plan is to get the council
to tarmac over the cobbles, and when she reveals the scheme later
in the Rovers, the assembled denizens are outraged, Ken in particular.?
Liz finds a two piece suit in grey for her nuptials.? A stranger
turns up in the Street, looking for the Duckworths. Tyrone turns
her away, fearing that she is yet another gold-digger on the make.?
Another old face appears in the Rovers, having sustained terrible
injuries in a sunbed experiment that went badly wrong. Yes, for
it is Andy (or 'Undie', as Liz refers to him), hotfoot from Sitges,
gay capital of the Iberian peninsula, back in Weatherfield ostensibly
for his parents' coming nuptials, but in actual fact in response
to my plea for the scriptwriters to find Toyah a shag buddy.
Monday 27 November
Now, call me naïve if you must (and believe me, I used
to be so naïve that until my 30th birthday, I thought 'fellatio'
was a minor character in The Merchant of Venice), but I would
imagine that a couple of week son a computer course is simply
NOT enough to qualify one for a high-pressured job behind a desk
at a health centre. (Besides computer skills, doctors' receptionists
must also be well versed in German, the use of electric cattle
prods and the removal of gold teeth, at least if the receptionists
in my local surgery are anything to go by). But, lo and behold,
I must be wrong, for Gail Platt's interview was successful and
she has got the job!
Undy, fresh back from Sitges, is filled in by his twin brother
Steve on all the nefarious happenings which have occurred in his
absence. Undy is less than pleased to hear what has been going
on, and tells Steve that the thinks the whole family is a disgrace.
(But not quite so disgraceful, methinks, as the fact that Undy
has clearly been unable to sue the sunbed people for damages.
Either that or he is the latest poster boy for Orange telephones).
Anyway, Undy's life is made a little happier when, later, he is
introduced to Toyah in the Rover's. (Can you hear the snaaap of
rubber already? Be patient, you will!)
Ken and Roy discuss the Council's plan to tarmac the cobbles,
and decide that Audrey's little tumble on them was probably instrumental
in their decision. They begin to think of ways of thwarting the
Council's scheme. I can't help thinking, though, that Ken should
be concentrating on Deirdre. Surely he must have picked up on
how absent and distant she's become lately, particularly when
Dev is around or mentioned? Dev has just come back from a trade
fair, with a box of Belgian truffles for Drear as a gift, and
now poor old Drear is fair foaming at the gash!(Okay, okay, so
maybe Drear does have a point. While Dev isn't actually love's
young dream, compared to Ken he is Tristan to Drear's Isolde.
The novelty of necrophilia has clearly worn off, and now she hankers
after younger and more supple flesh. But has she no sense? Does
she not seethe trail of sleaze that Dev leaves, snail-like, wherever
he walks? Has she not learned her lesson about smooth-talkers
after being unceremoniously rearended - in a manner of speaking
- by Mr Tie & Fly? Has she overdosed on the HRT tablets? And
whose poor bunny is it that she's going to boil when Dev gives
her 'Thanks but no thanks' line? The mind literally boggles).
At the Rovers, the Mr & Mrs Competition gets underway with
Maxime and Ashley as its first victims. Predictably, Ashley fails
to answer any of the questions correctly, leaving Maxime with
serious egg on her face.(When asked whether Maxime snores, picks
her nose or has smelly feet, the hapless Ashley answered: "All
three". Maxime was NOT amused). Much to Blanche's chagrin,
Deirdre and Ken refuse to enter, and leave the Rovers to have
a meal in a restaurant instead. Given the dearth of entrants,
Roy and Hayley are prevailed upon to enter the competition and
thus save it from becoming a total damp squib. And since they
know every nook and cranny of each other's personalities, habits
and idiosyncrasies, they win the competition hands down. Everyone
is jubilant - until Weatherfield's very own resident redneck,
Les "You Too Can Have A Lobotomy Like Mine" Battersby,
points out that it is a Mr & MrsCompetition, not a Mr &
Mr Competition. Cue a scuffle, in which Martin Platt, who has
risen to Hayley's defence, tries to floor Les. And of course,
in the midst of the brouhaha, who should return from her holiday
but a slightly tanned - and very pregnant - Natalie Barnes, who
is none too pleased to see that the Rovers has become a veritable
Bedlam.
Oh, and I almost forgot: the stranger who was looking for the
Duckworths was no stranger at all, at least not to Jack and Vera.
She is, of course, Andrea Clayton, a girl whom Terry got pregnant
over a decade ago. The fruit of their liaison is a young boy called
Paul, who is seriously ill with kidney failure. Andrea has come
to Weatherfield to enlist the Duckworths' help in locating Terry
But we all know how THAT one is going to end, don't we?
Exeunt omnes - and cue credits.
And that's your lot. Thanks to Glenda for giving me the opportunity to try
my hand at updating again after all this time. And a Merry Christmas one and
all!
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