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Glenda was away. This week's update written by John Dean.
Emma is fretting about her return to work, Vinnie and Debs
decide they're still friends. Deirdre ministers to the poorly
Dev, and him with his hairy nipples poking out through his dressing
gown and all. (NB, luckily for you, dear reader, but not for me,
I myself am smitten with a bug while doing this update, so I can
confirm the latest research from the Lancet i.e. men and women
get the same cold germs, but they affect us differently. Women
can still cook, shop and tidy up - men have to lie down for several
days and have to be helped to get food into their mouths. Just
the way DNA works, apparently.) Deirdre offers to stock up the
fridge and pop to the chemist ('Something for the weekend, Madam?'
'I should hope not!') Hayley and Alma exchange priceless dialogue
viz:- H- 'We're trying to adopt' A- 'A baby?'
Debs and Doug have a row in which she accuses him of bringing
his dead wife into their bed every night. Now, Canadian viewers
may be toughened to life's little tests - I know you eat your
dogs when the Central Heating fails and some of you have gnawed
off your own legs rather than vote Liberal, but this image was
a bit much for your typical lime-juicer. Then Debs and Nat have
a serious up-and-downer in the Rovers' parlour while the whole
pub falls silent to listen, including Blanche and the other two
witches. Phrases like 'cheap tart' drift out to the lounge and,
no, it's not a special offer on Betty's quiche.
NB In the advert break they were on about buffalo mozzarella.
I've never heard of this before and now it's everywhere. So how
come they keep water buffalo in Italy? And who was the first person
to say 'See that big b****d with the horns? I'm going to go over
and pull its tits and see what happens.' But I digress.
Liz visits Jim to praise the barrister she's hired - he's only
lost one case in five years. Now *I* would have asked a) how many
cases has he tried and b) does he usually prosecute or defend
but Jim seems happy enough. Liz declares she still has 'feelings'
for him. Again, Jim passes the opportunity to cross-question e.g.
'What kind of feelings? Hate? Disgust? Loathing'
Meanwhile Les is polluting the Imperial Hotel with his snakeskin
jacket and making the acquaintance of a 'lady' in the bar. (Say
what you like about Wolfenden, at least it meant we didn't have
to walk past predators like June in Lewis's arcade any more).
Les describes himself as a marketing consultant. (As in Smithfield
Market, 'Oi, where shall I put this stall?') Les asks June if
she's here on 'business' (although Les forgets the quotation marks,
with hilarious consequences) She agrees she is (Selling cellulite
from the look of her thighs)
Dennis makes Janice a cup of tea and ALLOWS HER TO USE THE
REMOTE CONTROL. I'm sorry, Granada, this is a bit controversial
before the watershed. Curly and Em but champagne and announce
in the Rovers they have set a wedding date. No-one asks what the
date is. perhaps they were all watching Coronation Street before
they came out to the pub.
Audrey asks Ash, now to be Curly's best man, why Fred isn't
answering his phone. 'Because he has Caller I.D.' Audrey seems
to know exactly what this means. Gritty realism or what? Doug
and Vin snarl at each other. Vin decides to collect Dougie's rents
as a termination bonus.
Nat asks Liz to help out behind the bar as she is short-staffed.
Liz turns up with the sleeves ripped off her blouse. Les points
out that means she and her hubby are both behind bars. Nat asks
Liz to be manageress while Nat is on holiday. Dev offers Deirdre
a promotion (memo - buy *your* boss a Lemsip and see if he promotes
you) to supervise all his shops. I'm beginning to see Dev as a
Godfather figure - kind of like Tony Soprano. So this 'bump' for
Deirdre puts her on the underboss level along with Auntie Maya,
like Paulie Walnuts and Silvio. Vikram is obviously Christopher,
trying to make a name for himself. The absent Ravi is Uncle Junior.
Rita is Dr Melfi. All we need now is Dev's moll, Carmela. What
a shame there is no character in the Street with knowledge of
gangster ways and bringing up a family married to a violent husband
who knows something about the licensed trade and has frizzy hair
died the colour of cats ' p**s to match her mini skirts. Oh, hang
on..
Vinny decides he's heading back to the North East to top up
his Geordie accent. Debs decides she's going back to the ships.
(Who said tramp steamers?) Vinny suggests they run away together
so at least two of the people in the eternal triangle will end
up happy. Thoughtful man.
Fred buys Ashley a bacon slicer. Thoughtful man.
Back in his hotel room, Les offers the lovely June a drink.
She suggests they get straight down to 'business'. Once again,
Les fails to notice the quotation marks, with hilarious consequences.
June asks for 200 quid and the penny finally drops.
Roy and Hayley host a soiree for another couple from the adoption
classes. They begin to wonder if fostering isn't a better idea
in their situation. Audrey confronts Fred in the Street and, all
else failing, falls over dramatically. Fred assists her to the
Rovers where he applies a cold compress to her 'sprained' ankle.
Alma sprains her eyebrow observing Audrey. Audrey puts her arm
round Fred (as far as she can reach, anyway) Janice breaks down
in tears. Dennis puts his arm round her (as far as he can reach,
anyway). He tells Janice she is a sweet, genuine, beautiful woman.
And in the glow of his affection, she is. They kiss. Dennis legs
it. Liz decides to drop Jim a hint as to her true feelings for
him. 'I miss the passion. I've always wanted you and I always
will.' Jim frowns. What is she trying to tell him? She remembers
the good times. Even when they had a row, she ended up with a
bunch of roses. I thought it was a bunch of fives but memory plays
tricks on us all. Dougie realises Vinny is collecting his rents.
He vows that 'If Vinny Sorrel crosses my path, he'll be one sorry
individual''. So that's a sorry Sorrel to be sorted. Toyah lets
Les doss down in her room at the Rovers. he is almost caught next
morning on the way out by Liz, who thinks Toyah has had a fella
in her room. Janice and Dennis say their farewells, like a scene
from Brief Encounter ('I must go'. 'Why?' I can't trust myself').
Later in Roy's Rolls they sit at Separate Tables. Will they mime
the entire works of Noel Coward and Terence Rattigan? Is Norfolk
very flat? Turns out that Eileen fancies Dennis like mad - 'He's
not fat, he's hunky. He can run his hands over my pistons any
time' Roy and Hayley talk to Rita about the joys and pain of fostering.
Hayley would still prefer to adopt but she's keeping an open mind.
Roy is fixed on the idea that the child's need for a parent is
a more important consideration than the parent's need for a child.
Deep. Jim asks Steve how he feels about Jim and Liz getting back
together. Steve says it would be a disaster, she's only trying
to make Jim feel better, his judgement is clouded from being locked
up. He says it in English, Mancunian and sign language. Jim frowns.
What is Steve trying to tell him? (BTW, I was rude about Simon
Gregson in one of my earlier updates, then I apologised because
I thought he was very good in his hospital scenes. Now I think
he's very good all round. His duets with Jim and Liz are top stuff
and there's a lot of animation in his acting we haven't seen before.
Straight A's) Les fails in his attempt to reconcile with Janice
but she denies there's anything going on between her and the lodger.
That's it for now - see you in December
John Dean Oxford
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