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If you're reading this update and you don't know who Maureen Lipman
is, I urge you to find out. She's one of Britain's finest actresses
(married to ex-Corrie writer Jack Rosenthal) and a great writer herself
too. She also lives round our way and sat in the next carriage to mine
on the tube once. She did you know. I recommend wholeheartedly her
autobiographical books: How Was It For You? (Home Thoughts From Abroad)
and the follow-up, Something to Fall Back On. As you can probably tell,
I like Maureen Lipman a lot so when I heard she was turning up for a
couple of weeks on the Street I was over the moon. And with the two
best Street writers giving her some cracking dialogue as Lillian "never
Lilly, and never, ever Lil" Spencer, she took her place behind the bar
at the Rovers this week. What with Shezza and Geena-two-bellies
fighting for promotion to manager, Fred knows he has to do something to
keep order behind the bar. In comes relief manager Lillian Spencer with
her pet Dinah, the mynah who gets the full Fred blast of "Hello little
birdy". Lillian's all lacquered hair, twin set and disappointment when
she sees the Rovers Return. It's clearly not up to the class of place
she's used to when she managed the Xanadu Bar at the Majestic Hotel,
Cleethorpes. "That was the high water mark of my life," she sighs, "and
the tide has gone out a long way since then". A graduate from the
Annie Walker school of bar management, Lillian manages to upset a few of
the regulars in her first half hour. "Get out, you're barred, you
atrocious little man" she tells Norris after he complains that some
spilt red wine has stained his Commonwealth Games steward's uniform (a
fetching ensemble of purple - how fortuitous for Granada and Cadbury -
and black with a pigeon-shit motif on the shoulder). "Get out, you're
barred too!" she tells Rita (yes Rita!) when she sticks up for Norris
and tells Lillian she's gone too far with her airs and graces. "You
can't bar Rita!" I yelled at the telly. "You can't bar me" Rita yells
at Lillian. "Oh yes I can" she replies. "Clear orf". Archie sizes
Lillian up: "Five foot seven. I'm not wrong, am I?" to which she gives
him the once over before she replies: "Fifteen stone and a suit from
Burton. I'm not wrong either, am I?" But while the locals are up in
arms over Mrs Spencer's behaviour - calling her bay-windowed Diamond Lil
behind her back - one person has been taken in by her charms. "May I
call you Frederick?" Lil schmoozes to the fat butcher. "Indeed you may.
You're a very handsome woman," Fred schmoozes back as he wafts around
the back room in his silk housecoat and cravat, while Lil wipes mynah
bird poo from his sofa. Shelly and Geena see straight through Lil's
plan. "She's got her eyes on his bank balance and he's got his eyes on
her cleavage."
When he's not murdering his business partner or giving his ex-wife a
concrete bath, Richard's not such a bad bloke. After a quiet chat with
Richard, Sarah makes up with her mum and all is well at the Platts. And
after a quiet threat from Richard, Ade makes up with Gail too, even
going so far as to present her with a box of chocolates, even if they
are nicked from the Kabin. Plans for the wedding go steaming ahead and
Richard thinks he's got buyers for one of his flats as he takes them to
the show flat to er.. show them around the er.. flat. What Richard and
the buyers don't know is that Karen has lured Steve to the show flat to
wine him and dine him and then lure him to the bedroom to see if she
can change his mind about buying the place for them both. She's got his
favourite meal ready: "There's a number sixteen with rice, two number
twenty sevens and a thirty three with noodles" before leading him into
the bedroom for dessert; a number sixty nine. While Karen and Steve are
at it (you know, it) in the bedroom, the buyers and Richard walk in on
them but all ends well with Steve agreeing to purchase the flat. I know
it's no longer 1982 but the phrase "what a wally" is still appropriate
for Steve.
Janice and Les have a drink in the Rovers and then she ends up back at
his place and before you can say Brown Nylon Underpants, they're
upstairs in bed, together, doing it (you know, it). It's all a bit
predictable really. Next morning Janice rushes off while Les assumes
they're back together as a couple. The only bit of this I liked and
thought worthy of note was when Janice asked Les to put on the 10cc
record he used to love playing for her. Choked, Les told her he'd
turned it into an ashtray after she left him for Dennis.
Mike and Audrey talk about Bet/Julie and her reason for leaving
Weatherfield/The Street and ambiguous comments abound as they drink to
absent friends: "You never know where you are with that one."
Jason returned from Blackpool this week without letting Eileen know.
He's only been gone a month but, he says, "Where I've been, it feels
like a lifetime". Must have been to Gateshead then. First thing he
does is organise a birthday party with Kirk and Tyrone - and their
Chuckle Brothers routine was just brill. But when Eileen finds out, she
puts a stop to the party and gives Jason a talk about responsibility
towards his old mum. The party moves on to Les' house and the boys
gives Les £20 to disappear for the night. Not that it's needed because
the disparate, desperate group of girls they round up for the party
knock on the wrong door by mistake and Norris sends them off to
Coronation Terrace instead. Back at Les' house with cheap lager and
no girls, it's a pretty dire party that gets even worse when Jason and
Todd start knocking each other about.
Norris has been an absolute star this week, he really has, with his
overpowering concern for Emily who's suffering from migraines (you say
meegraines, I say mygraines, let's just call the whole thing a bloody
horrible headache). When Richard overhears Norris in the Kabin telling
Rita that Emily's not well, Richard's straight round there to see her,
checking out his investment. Norris does well to keep a beady eye open
from under his Commonwealth Games steward's beret that he wears with
such pride.
And that's just about that for this week.
Glenda
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