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Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Coronation Street Weekly Update - Dec 13 1996

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Glenda was away, this week's update written by Gary Ushaw

It was a politically turbulent week for His Excellency Senor Miguel Baldwin (Viva El Presidente!). A Mexican wave of disrespect and downright uppitiness swept through the ranks of his tin-pot dictatorship. Meddlesome Angie Freeman's undercover mission of last week has already had an effect, with the attempted military coup led by Sally the Tranny. Fortunately for Senor Baldwin (Viva El Presidente!), instead of organising a bloodless revolt effected by the simultaneous uprising of Trash's legions of disenfranchised street urchins, and Ida's league of useless pensioners, Sally the Tranny spent all his time trying to decide on what to wear. Poor old Sal: although titillated at the prospect of tarting himself up in full military regalia, he didn't want to wear anything too macho for fear of upsetting Butch Kev's delicate sense of who should wear the trousers in their relationship. Ever the shrewd politician, Senor Baldwin (Viva El Presidente!) took full advantage of this tactical error on the part of his usurping subordinate, and sent the palace guard in to arrest Sally the Tranny and, in all likelihood, string him up like a cheap automobile freshener. Sally escaped over the border of Baldwin's banana republic disguised as a frumpy washerwoman (although the indignity of having to dress in clothes without designer labels was almost too much for him) and returned to Weatherfield in time to make Butch Kev's tea.

Trash also went over the wall and has since insinuated herself into the house of mad Royal, Vera Duckworth. No doubt she'll continue to exert her control over the city's network of pick-pockets, street urchins and child actors from her new headquarters in the back room of the Rovers. Queen Vera, probably due to the congenital madness that she and the rest of the royal family suffer from, has happily opened her doors to Trash but she'd better keep a close eye on her crown jewels (mostly ear-rings, of course).

Sally the Tranny, after consulting Maud the levitating oracle, decided to return to Baldwin's dictatorship and an uneasy truce was bargained. What will he say when he sees that Ida has turned Baldwin's sweatshop into a brothel in his absence, though?

The friendly war of manners between next-door-neighbours the Wiltons and the Barnses hotted up to the accompaniment of much canned laughter, due to a hilarious misunderstanding over a pot plant. Loveable self-sufficiency obsessive Derek Wilton (played by official national treasure Richard Briers) presented his snobby neighbours Des and Claire with a pot plant for their new conservatory. Unfortunately, since he's nothing but an old hippy at heart, Derek was so stoned he accidentally gave his favourite cannabis plant to the unsuspecting Barnses. How we laughed when Des and Claire, in a blatant attempt at social climbing, gave a dinner party for Des' boss and the chairwoman of Claire's pony club. Mavis dropped by under the pretence of borrowing the Barnes' garden fork (since she had inadvertently buried her own in a pile of pig manure) and knocked over Claire's carefully prepared flaming samboukas while trying to surreptitiously take back the plant. Of course, the burning liqueurs spilt over the proudly displayed pot plant and set it on fire. Before long the fumes from the burning marijuana plant had affected the guests at the dinner party and they were all chasing an escaped pig around the Wiltons' organic vegetable plot whilst wearing yellow wellington boots.

Idiot savant Curly Gump announced that he was about to embark on a trip around the world. No doubt this will involve lots of cleverly integrated footage of Curly shaking the hands of presidents, speaking at political rallies, winning international sporting competitions and appearing on Oprah Winfrey. Scheming Mafia boss Ann Capone saw this as a chance to muscle in on the lucrative frozen food trade in Weatherfield: it can only be a matter of time before Eric Ferman's body is fished out of the canal with a hundredweight of frozen kippers tied to each foot.

Roy Cropper (mild-mannered bread-frier by day, lycra-clad super-hero by night) almost gave away his secret identity this week as he inadvertently showed off his vast mental skills while standing at the Rovers bar. Fortunately for him, everyone present was so thick they believe that anyone with as little as a single 'O' level to their name would be capable of such feats, since they themselves couldn't muster so much as a CSE in Domestic Science between the lot of them. After narrowly averting this crisis, Cropper foiled an alien invasion, solved the riddle of the rhyming super-villain, and helped a small dog across the road before retiring to the Cropper-Cave for a nice cup of cocoa.

But unknown to him, scheming uber-villain Smart-Alec Gilroy was also in the pub and he later waylaid Cropper with a cleverly constructed plan to harness the super-hero's mental powers for his own dastardly ends. Cropper spotted the trap in the nick of time and POW! he punched Smart-Alec on the chin, SMASH! he threw him over a tall building, KERSPLONG! he hit him over the head with a car. But Smart-Alec evaded capture once more, and snuck off muttering "The world hasn't seen the last of me".

Not only did Nurse Pratt appear this week, but so did his Touche Turtle lookalike wife. This senseless torture of innocent viewers must stop.

The residents of the Street took part in that party game favourite, trying to guess where Norris Cole has got to this week. Billy Ten-Bellies thought Norris might be in Dublin keeping track of the European paper clip situation. Citizen Sugden suspected that he might have joined a Communist retreat. Gary said "I drink beer, me". Lovely fifties throwback Sean Skinner thought the light-footed Mr Cole might be "at the bop". Levitating Oracle Maud Grimes just smiled quietly to herself; she knows exactly where the cheeky little chap has got to, but she's telling nobody.

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