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Glenda was away, this week's update written by Gary Ushaw
It was a politically turbulent week for His Excellency Senor
Miguel Baldwin (Viva El Presidente!). A Mexican wave of disrespect
and downright uppitiness swept through the ranks of his tin-pot
dictatorship. Meddlesome Angie Freeman's undercover mission of
last week has already had an effect, with the attempted military
coup led by Sally the Tranny. Fortunately for Senor Baldwin (Viva
El Presidente!), instead of organising a bloodless revolt effected
by the simultaneous uprising of Trash's legions of disenfranchised
street urchins, and Ida's league of useless pensioners, Sally
the Tranny spent all his time trying to decide on what to wear.
Poor old Sal: although titillated at the prospect of tarting himself
up in full military regalia, he didn't want to wear anything too
macho for fear of upsetting Butch Kev's delicate sense of who
should wear the trousers in their relationship. Ever the shrewd
politician, Senor Baldwin (Viva El Presidente!) took full advantage
of this tactical error on the part of his usurping subordinate,
and sent the palace guard in to arrest Sally the Tranny and, in
all likelihood, string him up like a cheap automobile freshener.
Sally escaped over the border of Baldwin's banana republic disguised
as a frumpy washerwoman (although the indignity of having to dress
in clothes without designer labels was almost too much for him)
and returned to Weatherfield in time to make Butch Kev's tea.
Trash also went over the wall and has since insinuated herself
into the house of mad Royal, Vera Duckworth. No doubt she'll continue
to exert her control over the city's network of pick-pockets,
street urchins and child actors from her new headquarters in the
back room of the Rovers. Queen Vera, probably due to the congenital
madness that she and the rest of the royal family suffer from,
has happily opened her doors to Trash but she'd better keep a
close eye on her crown jewels (mostly ear-rings, of course).
Sally the Tranny, after consulting Maud the levitating oracle,
decided to return to Baldwin's dictatorship and an uneasy truce
was bargained. What will he say when he sees that Ida has turned
Baldwin's sweatshop into a brothel in his absence, though?
LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR
The friendly war of manners between next-door-neighbours the
Wiltons and the Barnses hotted up to the accompaniment of much
canned laughter, due to a hilarious misunderstanding over a pot
plant. Loveable self-sufficiency obsessive Derek Wilton (played
by official national treasure Richard Briers) presented his snobby
neighbours Des and Claire with a pot plant for their new conservatory.
Unfortunately, since he's nothing but an old hippy at heart, Derek
was so stoned he accidentally gave his favourite cannabis plant
to the unsuspecting Barnses. How we laughed when Des and Claire,
in a blatant attempt at social climbing, gave a dinner party for
Des' boss and the chairwoman of Claire's pony club. Mavis dropped
by under the pretence of borrowing the Barnes' garden fork (since
she had inadvertently buried her own in a pile of pig manure)
and knocked over Claire's carefully prepared flaming samboukas
while trying to surreptitiously take back the plant. Of course,
the burning liqueurs spilt over the proudly displayed pot plant
and set it on fire. Before long the fumes from the burning marijuana
plant had affected the guests at the dinner party and they were
all chasing an escaped pig around the Wiltons' organic vegetable
plot whilst wearing yellow wellington boots.
Idiot savant Curly Gump announced that he was about to embark
on a trip around the world. No doubt this will involve lots of
cleverly integrated footage of Curly shaking the hands of presidents,
speaking at political rallies, winning international sporting
competitions and appearing on Oprah Winfrey. Scheming Mafia boss
Ann Capone saw this as a chance to muscle in on the lucrative
frozen food trade in Weatherfield: it can only be a matter of
time before Eric Ferman's body is fished out of the canal with
a hundredweight of frozen kippers tied to each foot.
HERO OF THE BEACH
Roy Cropper (mild-mannered bread-frier by day, lycra-clad super-hero
by night) almost gave away his secret identity this week as he
inadvertently showed off his vast mental skills while standing
at the Rovers bar. Fortunately for him, everyone present was so
thick they believe that anyone with as little as a single 'O'
level to their name would be capable of such feats, since they
themselves couldn't muster so much as a CSE in Domestic Science
between the lot of them. After narrowly averting this crisis,
Cropper foiled an alien invasion, solved the riddle of the rhyming
super-villain, and helped a small dog across the road before retiring
to the Cropper-Cave for a nice cup of cocoa.
But unknown to him, scheming uber-villain Smart-Alec Gilroy
was also in the pub and he later waylaid Cropper with a cleverly
constructed plan to harness the super-hero's mental powers for
his own dastardly ends. Cropper spotted the trap in the nick of
time and POW! he punched Smart-Alec on the chin, SMASH! he threw
him over a tall building, KERSPLONG! he hit him over the head
with a car. But Smart-Alec evaded capture once more, and snuck
off muttering "The world hasn't seen the last of me".
Not only did Nurse Pratt appear this week, but so did his Touche
Turtle lookalike wife. This senseless torture of innocent viewers
The residents of the Street took part in that party game favourite,
trying to guess where Norris Cole has got to this week. Billy
Ten-Bellies thought Norris might be in Dublin keeping track of
the European paper clip situation. Citizen Sugden suspected that
he might have joined a Communist retreat. Gary said "I drink
beer, me". Lovely fifties throwback Sean Skinner thought
the light-footed Mr Cole might be "at the bop". Levitating
Oracle Maud Grimes just smiled quietly to herself; she knows exactly
where the cheeky little chap has got to, but she's telling nobody.
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