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Saturday, 16 June 2012

Coronation Street Weekly Update - Sep 5 2000

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Update written by John Dean as Glenda was away

Meanwhile Linda has another go at Dreary, prompting Edna to blow her cover and reveal she was Ken's informant. While she's in the mood, Edna goes on to describe Linda as a trollop with a taste for posh cars and tarty clothes. Fag-ash Lil is none too pleased and later prompts Mike to sack Edna, ostensibly for poor work. Edna looks in vain to 'The Gurrls' for support.
Meantime Nastily is doing the windows at the Rovers while Vinnie boasts of his new Company Car. Well, she does half a window and goes inside to slip into something less comfortable, thus missing the arrival of the Company Car or Transit Van as we call them. Whatever happened to the Weatherfield Window Cleaner wars? Why is Gareh being deprived of his livelihood?
Little Kev returns home and accepts the new role for Dennis but has decided against selling his share to Jim
Martin Gail and David set off for the animal shelter. David would like a Rottweiler. Gail rules out 'Anything stupid or anything big'. So how come she married Martin? They come back with Barney the Rabbit. David immediately wants to breed with it (well, not personally) but Martin rules out the idea until baby rabbits are worth as much as baby greyhounds.
Doreen turns up, reconciled with Geoff and ready to take Tommeh home.
Norris's Dinner Party begins with an invitation to the guests to guess what is in his filou parcels. Anthony suggests seafood, soya, a touch of saffron and polenta. Norris is miffed and retires to the kitchen where he accidentally flambes himself instead of the crepes.
After the party, Ant takes Reet home. And then his thrusting tongue penetrated the warm pink defences of her gentle mouth and searched urgently for the means to satisfy his burning longing. Well, perhaps not. But they do share a kiss.
Dougie gets Vinnie to evict a tenant behind with his rent. Toyota lives opposite and is unimpressed with the whole business. Little does she know Crusher is planning to evict all tenants in due course to 'upgrade' the flats (and upgrade the rent, naturally)
Fred bribes Audrey with a hat to go to Mike's wedding with him. Audrey insists on St Alma's blessing which the mascara-ed one happily gives - how else will she hear all the gossip?
Betty Love warns Nastily she is fed up with cleaning. On cue, Edna appears and is offered the job. She accepts, on the basis that she wouldn't want it on her conscience if Environmental health closed the Rovers down. And so Weatherfield 's premier hostelry acquires a cleaner who may pass into legend with Hilda Ogden. And with Natalie's talent for the meaningful look, Edna's talent for Eeyore imitations and Betty Love's talent for being aggrieved, there should be some treats in store
In the Kabin, as if by magic, the bookshopkeeper appears and invites Reet to lunch. She gives him the big E, not without a twinge of regret. Norris sets her straight. In the bookshop, as if by magic, the Kabin shopkeeper appears. Tonsil hockey ensues.
Emma confides in Curly she is applying to join the armed response team. Curly is underwhelmed at the thought of the fair Sergeant becoming a gunslinger.
Sally organises a birthday dinner for Kev. Danny is unhappy at the attention she gives her ex. He even refuses to join in singing Happy Birthday. Oooo-o-o-o-h! Later, he tells Sally he's showing Kev the Red card. A look from Sal and he hastily amends it to a Yellow card. But he thinks Sal is still obsessed with the diminutive mechanic.
Toyota has a go at Vinnie in the Rovers and Nat is also not impressed with his role as Ferguson's new knuckle crusher.
Anthony suggests Ken should look into being a Magistrate. Will the man who has been to bed with more women than Warren Beatty be Weatherfield's answer to Judge Dredd? He's certainly interested. Blanche is not impressed. Mind you, Blanche is wearing her new glasses with what she describes as a 'subtle fashion tint'. She looks like Ray Charles in Concert.
Mike arranges for Mark to come back and stay at the flat.
Gail and Martin are arguing. Danny and Sal are arguing. Sarah Lou and Gail are arguing. Mark and Linda are arguing. Edna argues with no-one, but points out she did such a good job at the Turk's Head she was commended for her work on the Art Deco in the Bogs.
The Underworld Gurrls are not happy at Linda's planned up-market hen-night at Delphines. Janice cons Geena via a five pound bet into changing Linda's mind. What will the new venue be? Dancing round the handbags? Knickers in the handbags? Grab-a-Granny night?
Seven of Nine gets her notice to quit from 'Hitler' Ferguson. Natalie offers her Leanne's old flat in the Rovers.
Danny is late for his date to take the girls swimming (which Sal had categorised as 'trying to get round me by schmoozing the girls' and predicted failure) to discover Sal has arranged for Kevin to take his place. Danny suspects Sal and Kev still have feelings, nothing more than feelings, for each other.
Steve goes out for a quiet game of Pool. Jez turns up. Will it be a duel? Eyebrows at ten paces? No, Jez is willing to forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones. Does Steve believe him? Does David Beckham think Cunnilingus is an Irish Airline?
This has been a JD production in Association with Glenda Young enterprises. If you liked it, let me know.
If you didn't, let Glenda know (she made me do it, she made me do it) --
John Dean, Oxford

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